Life in my mind

To many I see chill and laid back, others I'm a crazy outgoing extroverted kinda guy, but who is it that is in my head, the real me. Who is the one hiding behind all the hype and craziness, who is the one behind the controls? That is what I'm going to answer you.

I am scared. I'm scared of many things, I'm scared that I may not be good enough for many people, I'm scared that people won't like who I really am, I'm scared that I won't have all the answers when people ask me, I'm scared that people won't want to be around me, I'm afraid that I won't know what to do in situations that need my decision. I understand that these are common fears that many people have, but there is something more that happens. This is, my anti-social personality, though I love talking with some people, I don't like talking with many people and this stems from my fear of other people. I'm scared to death that I'll do something wrong and that I'll be looked down upon constantly so that it causes me to freeze up when I'm around people because I don't know what to do. It also causes me to go into a depression because I know (or my mind has created) because of this that people don't want to invite me to places, at least that's one of the reasons. Another reason is because I argue a lot, which also stems from this, because if I get comfortable with a certain thing I will passionately defend it and in that I get too argumentative.

I know this is sharing a lot, but I want to be transparent with everyone. I do not want to blow you off or seem awkward around you specifically, but I do this because its me, I'm uncomfortable mostly with myself. I'm learning to deal with this more and more as time goes on, but it is still an issue that I'm working with so if you see me like this don't be pissed at me please, and just know that the reason isn't that I'm just doing it to argue or just being completely awkward, but the reason is because I'm scared.

So, my plea is that you pray for me. That I get out of this shell that I've built up over the years.